How to Build a Box

As a parent, do you ever wish you could build a box to put your children in? This box would keep them safe, protect them from all harm, and not let them hurt themselves or be disappointed. It would act as armor against the world, and help you sleep at night.

To build a box for your child, you have to start very young. The early years are very dangerous years for you and your child. A young child is almost compelled to challenge boundaries, explore new things, and become more and more mobile, so it’s important that the box be put into place early. The child may resist the confines of the box and complain, but as a parent, you have many tools at your disposal for keeping the child in the box.

Fear is an important tool. If you can teach your child to be afraid of anything outside the box, the task of keeping the child in the box becomes easier. There are some many things in the world to fear: a car striking your child, a stranger stealing your child, or that strange family down the street. They aren’t like you; they might have drugs or guns in their house!

Shame is another tool you can use. You can use both direct shame for them, and indirect shame for you. Direct shame looks like “other people won’t like you if you do that.” Indirect shame involves letting them know that you’d look like a bad parent if you let them do that, or that you’d be embarrassed by them. Sometimes, you can get a two-fer, combining both direct and indirect shame in one. Complaining about what your child has chosen to wear to school is a good place to apply this double-shaming.

Anger is perhaps your most important tool, especially if you demonstrate that anger with a raised voice and a good smack on the bottom. Children are hard-wired to want to please their parents so their parents will love them, and anger reminds children that parental love isn’t really unconditional. Do tell them that you love them after you hit them; you don’t want to scar them for life, after all!

Do not let tears dissuade you from the task of keeping that box together. Of course children are going to resist being constrained. Do you want your child to be happy or safe?

If you build a really solid box around your child in his early years, you may find that you need to expand the box a little during the teen years, but don’t be fooled by rebellion into thinking the time for the box is past. The world outside the box is even more dangerous in the teen years, as driving, sex, and substance abuse all come into play. Recognize your child’s growth by enlarging the box enough so that they don’t explode out of it like the Incredible Hulk out of his alter ego’s clothes, but keep that box firmly in place.

As your child reaches adulthood, your ability to control the box is more limited. If you’ve done an effective job using your tools to keep your child in the box, your adult child will be content to stay in the box you’ve built. If he shows signs of wanting to break out of the box, well, you’ve still got your old standbys: fear, shame, and anger. You may not be able to push them quite as far as you did when he was young, but they still can be pretty effective in keeping your adult child safely constrained.

Do not try to use your box building skills on your grandchildren, no matter how great the temptation. It’s often easier for your children to see through what’s going on when their own children are involved, and if they realize the degree they’re still being constrained as adults by that childhood box, they might reject the whole box building concept, breaking out of the box you built and refusing to build a box for their own children. If you keep a light touch in maintaining the box, chances are your adult child will repeat the process to protect your grandchild.

The key is always balance. If your box is too tight, the child will feel the constraints too tightly, and probably try to break them. If your box is too big, the child will see too much of the world, and the danger here is two-fold. The first danger is that the box won’t protect them, because you’ve let danger into the box. The second is, the child might discover that there’s an exciting world out there, and living in it fully is worth a few risks. Once your child discovers that risk is possible, and the reward worth it, there is no going back. Your ability to protect them from all danger and disappointment is severely compromised, and you’ll be forced to let your child discover who he really is, whether you like that or not.

A well-built box, maintained with a light touch, should last you and your child a lifetime, and that lifetime should be a long, safe one. If you started early enough, your child will never know what he’s missing outside the box, and even if he discovers that, he’ll be too uncomfortable without his box to ever leave it.